


If I Could Tell Him

by cinnamahm_spice



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone's a little out of character, First Kiss, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Langst, M/M, Post Season 6, klangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-24 16:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15634812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamahm_spice/pseuds/cinnamahm_spice
Summary: I muttered, “Oh, okay, thanks for your time,” and raced back towards my lion, with tears streaming down my face.I knew heartbreak would be hard, but I didn’t know that it would hurtso goddamn much.





	If I Could Tell Him

**Author's Note:**

> So this was just a little drabble I came up with sometime after season 6 came out, but didn't write until now (the day before season 7 comes out). It honestly started as a very different idea/concept, but I think I generally like the way it came out. 
> 
> Even though it's not canon compliant with the spoilers that came out, I love it all the same. Also, you might be wondering id you stumbled into an Allurance fic for the first thousand words. Read the tags, please!
> 
> It's not very thoroughly edited, as I originally intended for it to be a oneshot, but it didn't quite turn out that way. #noregrets
> 
> Have fun!
> 
> P. S. I’ll probably make a few edits in the morning when I’m less tired; AKA: change the stuff that’s supposed to be in italics, into italics. So for now just... imagine there are more italics?
> 
> Edit: I have gone through and fixed the italics. Also, I'm considering writing an actual epilogue, and/or the talk between Keith and Lance in Red, and/or the talk Lance and Hunk had at the beginning. Maybe, maybe not. Thoughts? Comment, please, thanks!

**Lance POV**

“We’re going home,” is what Shiro said. That still hasn’t quite registered with me, even ten minutes later. The fact that we’re going back to Earth, that I’m going to be able to see my family again. The fact that my family is going to be able to see me, again.

The fact that Shiro was a clone, but now is actually alive, but he has white hair and now Keith’s back and I have to deal with him again, and _oh God, Allura_.

I miss Allura a lot. Not necessarily her presence, she’s still around, you know, all the time, but her put-offishness. It's obvious that she's still not over Lotor, and it hurts her, but I think she’s starting to look at me differently.

I mean, I like to think she was before, anyways, back when I plowed Red in front of Blue to save her, but now I’m suspecting the mice might actually have told her something. Maybe she’s thinking about giving me a chance? I mean, maybe not, but then again, maybe. I hope so. You’ve gotta hope for something, right? Well, her thinking about me differently is my hope.

“Hey, buddy, you there?” Before I could get any futher into my head, Hunk’s warm voice breaks into my thoughts.

“Yeah, man, you know it,” I replied, throwing finger guns in the general direction of his voice, even though I couldn’t see him climbing into my lion.

“Oh, good. I almost checked Blue before I came in here. It honestly hasn’t really hit me that you changed lions, like, you’ll always be the blue paladin to me. Especially with the armor and everything.”

I nodded, and gave a slight mhmm before continuing to let him talk.

“Speaking of the newer blue paladin, how’s your relationship with Allura going?”

I snorted, “You know I don’t have a relationship with Allura. Her noticing me, is like, literally nonexistent. I’m just another paladin, like you.”

“I’m not sure that’s what she was thinking when she literally _brought you back to life after you jumped in front of her lion_.”

“I don’t know, I’m sure she would’ve done that for any paladin. I mean, look at Shiro. She brought him back with just as much urgency,” I gestured to the window of the cockpit to Shiro, who was pacing outside. I was also pulling strings, here, inside my head, letting my anxiety over Allura not liking me taking over instead of the rational side of my brain that noticed her treating me differently.

He walked around the pilot’s chair to face me, trying to look innocent, “I dunno, Lance, I still think you should ask her out.”

“I- I don’t know. She’s probably still trying to get over Lotor, and then there’s Shiro, and honestly, she probably likes me just a much as Keith or you, or anyone else. I’m nothing special, Hunk.”

“Hey, Lance, don’t let yourself think that, alright? You are special. You’re a McClain. You have a special swagger that I never could have. You’re so much smarter than you give yourself credit for, and are such a good person, too. Heck, even your bayard can tell. You were the first one to get yours into a different form, and it’s not even your original blue one, it’s red! Don’t give yourself less credit than you’re worth, okay?” Hunk looked me deeply in the eyes to get my confirmation. I nodded out of habit.

“So, about Allura, then. Ask. The. Woman. On. A. Date. If she says yes, then you have a chance with her for the rest of your life. I can’t deny she’s gorgeous, I know for a fact you see that, and that’s part of why you like her. If she says no, then you will go through the rest of your life not having regrets that you didn’t ask her out when you had the chance, and she didn’t run off with Keith, or someone.”

“I just- I really don’t know, man,” I stuttered, “I mean, I know I’d like to. And I guess you’re right about regrets, so maybe I will. On the next decent planet we find. If we don’t find one, then I can ask her on Earth. Hopefully Earth. Maybe Earth. Probably Earth. I just, God, Hunk, I want to be home. I just really, _really_ want to be home.”

“You’re avoiding the subject, but I’ll take it. Also, Lotor is gone, and Shiro already has someone for him back at home. You know that. So just, ask Allura out. I’m sure you won’t regret it.”

Hunk gave me a wink and started sauntering out.

“Wait, that’s it? You’re just going to leave me alone, with Red, and my thoughts?” I protested, spinning my chair around to face him.

He turned his head back to look at me with a look of unease on his face, “Uh, I mean, unless you want me to stay. We can talk about home if you want. I dunno, I just thought you were busy, or something, so I came in to get your head straight about Allura, because Pidge and I are very much annoyed with you beating around the bush, and go.”

“Haha, straight,” I chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s so old. Anyways, you want me to stay, or not?”

“You can stick around, I suppose.”

Hunk walked back in my direction to sit down on the floor next to me, “Alright, buddy, so, do you wanna tell me about Varadero Beach, again?”

 

* * *

 

I took Hunk’s advice asked Allura out. Needless to say, it did not go well.

Well, maybe not ‘needless to say,’ because, quite frankly, I thought it would be fine. I mean, I trusted Hunk and Pidge. If they said that asking Allura on a date was going to result in my getting a girlfriend, someone I love, then I would trust them and go.

For the first time in what feels like eternity, they were truly wrong about something. It was in fact not all sunshine and rainbows and happiness. It was a mess, it was me being a mess, it was me acting like a mess after she refused, and it was all terrible, and it was all a mess.

I mean, I know Hunk said that she might say no, and that I shouldn’t go on living life with the regret that I didn’t ask her out, but I didn’t know that the refusal would hurt so much.

It wasn’t even on Earth, God, it was on a random planet in the middle of a random galaxy somewhere. It was civilized, and I saw something that vaguely resembled a beach, and my mind went, _DATE! HERE! NOW!_ and when we were out gathering supplies, I asked her to meet me behind Blue, alone, and when I explain that I was asking her out, she said no.

Well, she didn’t even outright say no, she said, “I’m sorry Lance, but I don’t think I can be in a romantic relationship right now. After Lotor lying to me, and I know you never would, but after everything, I don’t believe I have the ability to maintain such a bond with another person, right now. I had gotten an indication that you had some sort of feelings for me, but I did not mean to ‘lead you on,’ so to speak. I truly apologize for this, if I had known that my behaviors would cause you to approach me in this way, I would not have done such things. I am really, truly, sorry, Lance. I hope you can find someone that will make you happy in ways that I know I could not.”

That was the generally gist, at least, and even if it wasn’t word for word, bits and pieces of this were racing through my head as I muttered, “Oh, okay, thanks for your time,” and raced back towards my lion, with tears streaming down my face.

I knew heartbreak would be hard, but I didn’t know that it would hurt _so goddamn much_.

Maybe I should go to somebody. I should probably go to somebody. Somebody could probably help. Somebody would know how this feels. Somebody has to. _I can’t be alone_.

 

* * *

  **Keith POV**

 

The faint sobbing wasn’t the first thing I heard, but it might have been the second. Everyone else was talking to the natives, and it just got to be too much, and I excused myself. So I was there, walking around the lions, instinctively going to Red because I hadn’t had a chance to check on her when I jumped into Black back on the Castle of Lions.

I mean, I am the black paladin, but being Red’s first paladin in ten thousand years just gave us a certain connect that’s never really left, even when I didn’t fly her anymore.

I started to climb up to the cockpit, just to sit there and say hello to an old friend, and that’s when I heard him crying.

That’s when I realize that for the first time in a while, I had forgotten about Lance. I mean, I knew subconsciously that he was Red’s paladin, but when I went up to see her, I didn’t really consider it. I just assumed that he would be down with everybody else in the city, without really bothering to check.

That being said, when I saw his back, my first instinct was to run. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the two years of patience I went through on the back of that time creature thingy. It, and my mom, taught me that I shouldn’t always follow my instincts, that sometimes, I had to be a leader, and if facing a sobbing Lance was part of that, then so be it.

As I neared him, I tried to keep my steps quiet, as not to scare him, but not so silent as to seem as if I were sneaking up on him. When I finally reached the back of the pilot’s chair, I didn’t know what to say. I knew I should ask him something, but I didn’t know how. But, he still didn’t seem to hear me, so it seemed like I would have to.

I settled with a quiet, “Lance?”

He immediately whipped his head around, standing up, and started blubbering some excuse and an apology about going over plans and getting caught up in things. I didn’t know what to do, honestly. But if the Blade of Marmora and my mom had taught me anything about feelings, it’s that you shouldn’t repress them too much.

So, for the first time in what felt like forever, I went with my gut instinct. I walked forwards, and hugged him.

I don’t know why, really. It just seemed like the right thing to do. He slowly put his arms around my back and squeezed. Granted, my heart was pounding at a million beats per minute, and our armor seemed really clanky and uncomfortable, but he seemed to relax a little as he cried into my shoulder.

We stood there for what seemed like an unnecessarily long while, and he cried and cried and cried, and my heart almost couldn’t take seeing such an outgoing and happy person look so absolutely broken.

In those moments that we were standing there, I felt something click into place. I don’t know what it was, or what happened, or why my heart seemed to melt, but I suddenly felt that something seemed right, in the world. No, something seemed right in the universe, for once.

After a few minutes, he settled down and let go of me. He muttered out another apology, but I cut him off asking if he wanted to talk about it.

“No- no, it’s fine, it’s fine, I can talk to Hunk or somebody” he stuttered, “I’m sorry, again, about this.”

He started to walk out, but I caught his arm and looked him in the eyes, “Lance, Lance, listen to me. We are a team. You don’t have to go running to somebody else every time you have a problem. You can talk to me. I won’t tell anyone, whatever you have to say will be safe with me.”

He broke down in another sob, and muttered, “Okay, I guess.”

I pulled him down on the floor to sit next to me, and he started to spill his feelings for Allura.

 

* * *

  **Lance POV**

 

I don’t know why I told him. Keith, I mean. Of all people to find me here, it was Keith? Why not Hunk, or Shiro, or even Pidge? I mean, it’s like some cruel trick of fate to take the boy I’ve openly expressed is my rival, and have him be the one I spill all of my feelings to. Some of this I haven’t even told Hunk, and I’ve known him since we were five.

Now this guy, who I would hardly have considered a friend months ago, and years before that, I considered my rival, is the one who I’m talking to, here in the middle of space, about my problems.

It was embarrassing, at first, seeing him here and tears streaming down my face, but then he hugged me, and my brain was confused, and I remembered that he wasn’t a complete stranger anymore. I remembered that we’d had a dynamic, that we were a team, and that maybe, just maybe, he was a little bit of a friend.

That hour, though, that fateful hour that I sat in Red and cried and talked and cried just made for a more confusing night as I laid in bed trying to think about everything that I had said, and everything that had happened, and just how much I had said to this- this kid that I used to hate.

So, here I was, laying on a mat in the very same room where I had spilled my feelings and insecurities, unable to think about anything or anyone else. I tried, good God, I tried to let my mind drift elsewhere, somewhere other than Allura and Keith and that day, but everything drifted back to them. Suddenly I felt so lonely, even with Red around me, her presence comforting.

Why did I have to say everything that I said? Why couldn’t I just keep it to myself, for once? Even though I knew I felt better, that Keith was willing to listen, did I say too much? What would he think, after this? He probably hates my guts after that. If he didn’t hate me before, I’m sure he does now. He left Red so awkwardly, only after Allura’s voice chimed into his helmet asking where he was. She didn’t ask where I was, though. I know she didn’t.

But then again, maybe Keith doesn’t hate me. I know that latching onto him emotionally was probably such a human response. Something in my brain telling me to find another person to sympathize with. That’s all that it was. My brain being all psychologically impulsive and wanting someone to hug and hold was just the aftermath of being rejected. Impulsive… Keith… If I’m trying to get over Allura, then why can’t I stop thinking about Keith?

He hates me now, right? So, I can avoid his hate, by avoiding him. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. I’ll avoid him. This is probably going to go wrong, but can it really be considered wrong when nothing else is going right?

 

* * *

  **Keith POV**

 

 

I’ve realized it. I know now. I’m totally and completely fucked.

If I didn’t think that I could live without Lance before, now I know it’s impossible. Okay, that didn’t make sense, let me rephrase it; _I can’t live without Lance_.

I thought I could before, in fact, I knew I could. Half of going to the Blade of Marmora was proving that I could be my own person, that I didn’t need anyone else, and it was fine, for the most part. But after that day, the day that he spilled his feelings to me, that he was completely and utterly vulnerable, he stopped.

I don’t mean that he stopped his feelings, no, those in and of itself were completely clear. He acted like himself, around other people, his feelings wide on display for everyone to see. So, I saw it. He hates me, now. I know he does. I see, in his eyes, whenever he glances my way, the hurt. He just stopped with me.

See, this is why I shouldn’t follow my impulse, why I shouldn’t lend a helping hand. He’s been avoiding me, and it hurts. It hurts me more than I know it should. I know he’s choosing to avoid me, and that’s what hurts the most, more so than the actual act of him not talking to me. He’s completely fine, though a little awkward around Allura, seemingly natural with Pidge and Hunk, and acting fine around Shiro.

And without him I just feel so goddamn lonely. Not necessarily alone, no, there are still people there. That’s the difference between, aloneness, and loneliness, I think. Aloneness is when you’re sitting around, by yourself, and there’s nobody around you, whether it be for miles and miles in a little shack on the desert, or in an empty room.

Loneliness is knowing that someone is there, or at least could be, and not being able to talk to or see them, feeling like they aren’t, or weren’t there. I was alone with the Blade of Marmora. I feel lonely right now, with Lance across a table, not talking to me.

His comforting laugh broke into my thoughts. _God, it’s so warm and happy._ It was so happy, and yet somewhere in there, as he glanced my way for the third time into dinner, it felt so broken, and I wanted to cry. I haven’t wanted to cry in a long time, the way I wanted to in that moment.

It hurt. It hurt a fucking lot. But I wasn’t going to fix it, because I’m not a mechanic. I’m just a pilot, and pilots can’t fix what’s broken. We just deal with what we have.

 

* * *

  **Lance POV**

 

 

“Lance, can I talk to you, for a minute?” Shiro approached me with a grimace. We had stopped on another planet to gather more materials for the Castle of Lions 2.0, and I was just heading to gather something from the forest for Hunk that he thought he might be able to make something out of.

“Maybe later, Dad, I’m busy right now, thank you very much.” It hurt just a little to avoid Shiro, but I knew what he was going to ask me about, and I did not want to face that.

He rolled his eyes after I said ‘Dad,’ but caught my arm as I tried and failed to speedwalk away, “It’s important, Lance, please. I know I’m not really your dad, or even a paladin anymore, but I still care about you.”

I knew I really did not want to talk or even think about this right now, but it was hard to object to a face like Shiro’s. _Damn, why does he get away with being so hot?_

I sighed, “Sure,” and he took me to the edge of a forest, but still in view of the lions.

“So…” he started, “I’m going to be completely and brutally honest with you, because I believe that it’s important for you to know that I’m concerned. Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah, sure, can you please get to the point? I kind of have things to do and places to be.”

“I’m not sure gathering leaves is a super important ‘thing to do,’ but yeah, I’ll just go ahead and say it. Why are you avoiding Keith?” Shiro gave a heavy sigh after saying that last part, as if it was something heavy he had to get off of his chest. Honestly, just hearing his name anymore made something in my heart ache. But I ignored it, just like I know I always have to.

“Okay, first of all, I am not avoiding Keith, he’s just busy, and I’m busy, and you know that we haven’t always gotten along,” I protested, “and secondly, I am-”

That’s when he cut me off, “Lance, please, you don’t need to give me excuses. Also, you aren’t really that busy, and he’s not really that busy, we are literally flying lions around for hours at a time every day. And secondly, I have literally witnessed you being an amazing team, and from what I’ve heard from Allura while I was gone, you were his awesome right hand man. So, what’s going on?” he gave me his Dad Face, trying to get me to fess up. I knew it was messing up the team dynamic, but Shiro wasn’t really on the team anymore, so why should he care?

I mean, I know he should, but honestly, it shouldn’t be his business anymore, right? He’s not the black paladin, Black won’t even talk to him anymore.

I let just a little bit of my anger at myself out, “I just- something happened? He changed? I changed? We don’t have to get along, Shiro.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you do. I know you can, you only stopped getting along after you asked- well, we both know what happened. But trust me, I know what heartbreak feels like, and I know you’re going through it right now. But are you sure this is the right thing to do about it?” he gave me one more Dad look, and as he walked away, said, “You’d better fix this, Lance, you and Keith both, because if you don’t, I’m going to fix it for you. Don’t forget that the fate of the universe is in our hands.”

“Don’t forget that the fate of the universe is in our hands,” I muttered to myself as I turned back around into the forest. I mean, I knew he was right, he was _Shiro_ , but did that mean having to put all my feelings aside?

Pidge fell into place besides me, “Uh, Lance, you do know that he’s right, right?”

“Yeah, whatever, I’ll deal with it eventually. You know me, productive Lance all the way.” I gave them a wink and more fingerguns. It was more habit than anything, at this point.

They just rolled their eyes, “Sure, Lance. But if you don’t get back whatever mojo you have with Keith, I swear to God I will throw Kaltenecker into dead space, and _no, I don’t care if we don’t have milkshakes anymore,_ you need get your shit together.”

I gawked as soon as they mentioned Kaltenecker, but resorted to just rolling my eyes, “You know I’ll figure it out when I get the chance.”

But I wasn’t sure I ever would get the chance.

 

* * *

  **Keith POV**

 

 

I know he probably wants me to respect his space. I want nothing more than to do the same, but literally Shiro, Hunk, Pidge, and Allura have approached me, and at this rate, I don’t think he’s going to do anything about it anytime soon.

Literally, we’re due to reach earth in a week, and he has said seven words to me in the past two days. That may sound like a lot, but this is _Lance_. That is not a lot for Lance, even when he proclaimed us rivals.

God, what I would pay to go back to those days. I would pay in blood, sweat, more tears, whatever. Just something, because even back then, we still had the potential to be a good team. I just want Lance. I need Lance back.

I caught him on his way to sleep in Red, grabbing his arm firmly. Damn this boy has some serious muscle, but now wasn’t the time for that.

“Lance, hey, I need to talk to you.”

He immediately started struggling against my grasp, “Keith, stop, please, I don’t have time for this.”

I pulled his arm more firmly and turned his body to look me in the eyes, grabbing his shoulders, “That’s a complete and utter lie, and we both know it.”

He looked like he wanted to protest, but lacked the effort to do so, and so resigned himself to a sigh, “this had better be short.”

I let go of one of his shoulders, but continued to look him in the eyes. He looked down, “I’ll be blunt then. You’re avoiding me. We both know it, don’t try to deny anything. I’m sorry for whatever I did a month ago that got you to hate me like this, but we both know the effect it’s having on the team. You are a paladin, you are valuable, and you don’t need to love me-” my voice cracked on the word ‘love,’ “but we still need to get along well enough to function as Voltron. Please, for the love of God, and all things holy, or whatever you believe in, please trust me as a leader until the war is over. I don’t need it to be forever, as soon as we’re back on Earth and safe or whatever and the Galra Empire is defeated, you can go back to hating me. I don’t care, just please, stop doing this.”

I took a deep breath, and he seemed to as well, but as he exhaled, his shoulders shuddered. He was going to cry again, “I- I- I don’t hate you, Keith.”

I took a sharp intake as he continued, “I don’t think I ever have I just-”

“I haven’t been vulnerable with anyone for a very, very long time and I just… Allura hurt and you… I don’t know, you helped. Just- Jesus, I’m doing it again, spilling my feelings, I’ll- I’ll stop I just-”

For the second time in a month, I went with my gut instinct. I did the worst possible thing I could have possibly done. If hugging him before was bad, then kissing him was worse.

I pressed him close to my chest and smashed my lips against his. I wasn’t entirely sure how this was supposed to go, but I don’t think this was it. He wasn’t moving. At all.

After a couple seconds, I got ahold of my senses again, and immediately pushed him away. I pushed him away, and started running. He was still standing there, the last time I saw him, he was still standing there for another few seconds until he started calling my name, and I think he was running after me.

But it didn’t matter anymore, because I was running towards Black, and away from him. I was taller, now, so I ran faster.

I got to Black, ran into the cockpit, and probably did the very same thing he did after Allura rejected him. I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried, even when I could hear him banging his fists on Black’s paws, screaming to come in.

Black, the bastard she was, let him. He ran into Black and up to me and I tried to get away, but he grabbed me in the very same way I grabbed his arm only minutes before and kissed me.  
Granted, it was very messy. Very, very, very messy. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but it was apparent that he had done this before, because the way he moved his lips was immensely captivating and when he slid his tongue into my mouth, I thought I must be dying or in hell because of how good and hot everything felt.

I slid my fingers into his hair and pulled, and he moaned, and I stopped functioning physically as a human being. I couldn’t think about myself anymore, it was just _Lance, Lance, Lance, Lance, Lance_ , and that was whom I lived for in those moments.

Eventually, we stopped, and we panted and stood there in Black, while she purred subconsciously in the back of my mind, but I ignored her, because _holy shit, I just made out with Lance McClain_.  
And we talked. We realized everything wasn’t perfect, but I loved him, and he was pretty sure he loved me, and we went back to the team, together.

We realized we don’t always get what we want, but we often get what we need, and that we needed each other.

We realized that the world may not always be right, the universe is a mess, and so are we, but we can at least be a mess together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading my dudes, if you have any constructive criticism, please do comment below, otherwise, sorry if I made you cry, but I hope you enjoyed my Klangsty hell all the same. 
> 
> I love you all, thanks again for reading! Good luck with Season 7!


End file.
